Tag: writing

Early morning wake-up

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It’s another few days ahead of waking up at stupid:early AM for the 4am shift start. I can certainly still do it at my age, even if I don’t get enough sleep the night before, though I pay for it later that day once I’m off the clock. But I keep telling myself: if I can make it through the first couple of hours when I’m solo and prepping the front end for doors open, then I’m all set for the rest of the shift when the rest of my team comes in. From there it’s a matter of not overexerting myself and taking each issue calmly.

I don’t stretch as much as I should, though I’m doing it a lot more than I used to. I’m walking a lot more, as this is a pretty big shop and I usually have a lot of things to do that take me to different departments. I average around three miles on a good day, often more! But during those quiet times when I’m filling in at the register for someone, I’ll do Rin Shima’s stretches you see above right (the cross-arm and the overhead), then I’ll do the foot rotation stretches I used to do at Yankee Candle.

I still have not been able to do any creative work while at the day job as it doesn’t really provide me with enough time for it. But I’m okay with that now. The day job is the day job and I’ll focus on that while I’m on the clock. But as soon as I’m home — well, after giving the cats proper attention and winding down with some passive internetting — I’ll get myself started with the blogging and the 750. And finally, after dinner, I’ll start working on the main project, in this case the Persistence Remaster.

Pretty much close to what I used to do at YC. Not exact, but I’m no longer trying for exact. I’m just looking for whatever works best.

Mind you, after those early morning wake-ups, I get to appreciate the days off where I can sleep in that much more.

Clarity

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[This was also posted at my Dreamwidth blog yesterday as something that’s been on my mind lately.]

As I get older I find myself seeking clarity more and more. The problem with doing that when I was younger was that I was still stuck looking at that in terms of extreme opposites: I’m either Totally Locked In or I’m Completely Disconnected. I either have All The Feels or I’m Cynical and Don’t Give a Shit. I knew that wasn’t want I wanted, bur nor did I want to keep pretending that I could find a happy medium where I could be all at the same time. That just became emotionally and mentally exhausting.

Lately I’ve been thinking about it in terms of my own levels of media consumption. I’m not exactly talking about avoiding the online doomscrolling, though that has often been a problem. It’s more along the lines of remembering when I could consume with clarity. That is, like what I like to whatever degree, ignore what doesn’t resonate with me, and for the love of pie it’s not a contest with everyone else in the universe. Social media is fine if you set your own boundaries and catch yourself when you’re slipping into obsession, or the fear of missing out.

That was my issue: I’d set those boundaries and then completely forgot about them because my brain is wired to obsess. [Thus my ridiculously large music library.] I realized this when the pandemic started and made inroads to rewire my head a bit. It took a few years considering it had gotten out of control like weeds in an untended garden, but I got there eventually. There’s always weeding to be done, but it’s much easier to do now.

And now I’m at a point where I can do a bit of fine-tuning. With age and experience — and a rewired brain — I can say, ‘okay, this is where I want my head to be at, so let’s head in that direction.’ Listening to my favorite music from the past is helping, because I’m purposely not doing it only as a way to reminisce. I’m currently listening to the stuff from 2002-2003 while I work on the Remaster Edition of The Persistence of Memories. I’ve been posting the Thirty Years On series at the music blog and talking about 1996 (and continuing into 1997 because why not). And the long-game reason for doing this has to do with rewiring how I listen to current music: to once more listen to new releases that resonate with me, and to have it stay with me for more than just a few months. I know it can be done because there have been current releases that have done that (GIFT’s Illuminator album, for instance). And slowly, I’m starting to reclaim that.

It’s definitely an ongoing process, but it’s one that I’m able to control if I keep at it.

Getting through

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This past week has been a bit tough.

On the home front, we’ve been dealing with weird weather that’s been stuck in the mid-sixties with 85-95% humidity for a full month without a break, which means high pollen count, and which also means that my sleep patterns have been interrupted by serious sinus and ear congestion waking me up unless I take a few Benadryl before lights out. And on the day job front, I’ve just finished off five 4am starts in a row (filling in for main bookkeeper who took evening shifts to train a few night people to ease our morning workload). Suffice it to say I’ve been feeling exhausted and loopy the entire time.

The good thing is that Sunday’s weather was quite enjoyable, a much more tolerable 65% humidity and yay, the sun finally blessed the Richmond District with its presence! Heh. Windows were opened and rooms were dusted so that perhaps I can breathe a little easier in the next few days. If all else fails, I think we still have the air purifier from our old apartment somewhere in garage storage that I could bring up and run for a bit.

Meanwhile, yes, I have somehow managed to keep plodding on with the Remaster project for The Persistence of Memories! After chilling out after work and getting my second wind, I have managed to get a good few pages done every night, right alongside getting myself reacclimated with my daily 750 Words. Despite my exhaustion this past week, I’m still powering through because this is a project I’m enjoying, and it’s something I really want to do. And that’s a good a reason as any!

Meanwhile

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Another Independence Day has come and gone, this one not much more than a footnote here in our otherwise quiet neighborhood. We had some stray firecrackers going off a few days early (once at 3am, annoyingly) but due to Karl the Fog’s consistent presence in the evening these past several days. There wasn’t much to see from our new abode other than a few flashes of underlit fog. Suffice it to say, the cats were not happy about the noise. Thankfully, we were well away from the nightmare traffic of North Beach and the Marina District that apparently lasted multiple hours.

I am happy to say that the Remaster work for The Persistence of Memories is running smoothly so far. I did need to pull out my physical copy of A Division of Souls (yes, the remastered one) to check on a reference or two, but otherwise there haven’t been too many major changes as of yet. Just a few word choice fixes and minor edits is all. I am expecting a few major fixes to arise eventually — last I recall, when I last did a reread I remember one or two things sticking out that bothered me — but for the most part we’re still on schedule. I haven’t made a concrete drop date yet, but I’m figuring it’ll be at least some point in Q4.

More to come soon when I have news!

Finding a writing process

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[NOTE: The below is mostly from my 750Words entry from yesterday, but I felt it worth sharing here.]

We were talking the other day about Your Name — one of my all time favorite movies — and how, when we went to see it in the theater in Japantown awhile back, I was reminded of just how perfect a movie it was. Every part of the story has meaning, is there for a reason, and is woven into a rich tapestry. It’s a perfect example of what I like to call ‘they’ve done their homework’. There are very few movies, books, and music that resonate with me that deeply (The Fragrant Flower Blooms with Dignity is a current one, of course) but as I’d said to A yesterday, I always saw that movie as a benchmark for me to achieve with my own writing. I doubt I’ll ever reach the levels of Makoto Shinkai, but it gives me a firm goal to work towards.

I think that’s close to where I reached with the Bridgetown Trilogy, and especially with The Persistence of Memories. It wasn’t just a perfect storm of positive personal life, great music and a wave of unbridled creativity. Those things of course fueled it, but it wasn’t entirely borne out of it, now that I think about it.

I’d gone into the trilogy with a few things on my mind:
–This would be the end result of a long-simmering project dating back to 1993, so I did not want to do a half-assed job of it.
–I had such a deep well of ideas for this created universe dating back to the same time, and I did not want to waste any of it.
–I was at a day job at a warehouse where I didn’t have to waste much-needed brain power problem solving (the most pressing things I had to think about were building pallets neatly and correctly, where to stage them, and how to get them to fit onto the truck), which meant that I could spend most all of my waking hours focused on my writing.
–I knew that if I stopped and ‘took a few days off’ I’d get lazy and miss even more writing days, which was part of my undiagnosed ADHD issues, so I purposely drove myself to hyperfocus on the writing instead…while also ensuring that I kept it fun for myself. It was a balance between wanting to reach word count and becoming super excited about wanting to keep this story alive.

And to tie in with what I was saying above: this was a story where ‘I did my homework’. The further along I went with it, the deeper and richer it became. And the wild thing is that most of this happened in my head, because I was really not that much of an outliner! Like I’ve said numerous times, the most I ever planned out with the trilogy was maybe three or four scenes ahead, or maybe one or two chapters ahead, and even then it was less an outline than a vague list of beats to hit as I came up with them.

All the while, I was keeping multiple character threads going in my head. Caren and Poe were focusing on two things: balancing their own spiritual awakening while protecting Denni; Anton knew he wasn’t in charge but had to make it look like he was; Natianos believed he was pulling the strings but didn’t expect Denni and Saisshalé to take over; Nehalé was going through a crisis of faith; and so on and so on. This is why the scenes are set up as they are: they focus mostly on the important character in that particular scene, fully and with deep immersion. The other characters might have been in the scene as well, yet I would only focus on their reaction (or non-reaction) in a later scene. Everything and everyone was interwoven into this story, but I had to see the separate threads going.

Looking back on it, it’s kind of amazing that I did that with my first professional novels. I did it to a much lesser extent with the standalones, but that’s because they didn’t need that much intensity. It was a process I came up with on my own, one that worked for me, and one I still use to some degree. In fact, I’ve been contemplating following my own example with another attempt at rewriting Theadia. The only reason I’d stepped away from that process was because the Trilogy had been such an incredibly long project that I needed to try something small and compact — both to give myself a mental break and to see if I could pull it off.

Like I said, I don’t expect to hit Shinkai levels of perfection, but I remain inspired to at least ‘do my homework’ and write the best work I can.

Back to Bridgetown

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It’s been a while since I actively sat down and reread the trilogy, so it feels a bit strange to be back in Bridgetown after focusing on Beam City (the city in Theadia) for so long! I’m not going to complain, however, because I’ve always loved it here. It’s one of my favorite created worlds of mine and I’m always glad to come back and visit every now and again.

I was thinking the other day, though, if this current remaster might inspire my long-dormant desire to write further stories in the Mendaihu Universe. I’m not going to push it or demand it happens, because that never works for me. But I do wonder if it’ll offer some clarity on some of the ideas I’d had for it. For now, I’m just going to focus on cleaning up this second book in the series and see where it takes me.

It does help that I’ve been revisiting some of my favorite albums that had come out then: Oasis’ Heathen Chemistry, Dishwalla’s Opaline, Beck’s Sea Change, Sigur Rós’ ( ), Interpol’s Turn On the Bright Lights… all the music during the Belfry Years that influenced and inspired the trilogy. I’ve even been thinking lately about why those few years were such a high creative point for me. That’ll probably be another future post, I think it was really a case of great timing and positivity on several fronts, both creatively and personally. There’s a reason I often think about that time and everything I did then.

I think I’ve learned over the last couple of years that the trick is not to try to relive them or recapture them, or make them happen again… but to approach the current time in a similar fashion, and let the positive aspects of the present work for me. [Easier said than done in some respects, sure, but if I still have the ability to do so I’m not going to let it pass me by anymore.]

Starting the next remaster (finally)

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To be honest, I should have started this much earlier in the year, but it is what it is. Starting today, I’m embarking on the remastering of The Persistence of Memories, the second book in the Bridgetown Trilogy. If I play my cards right, I shouldn’t have nearly as much of a problem with this one, as I recall having little issues with this one other than maybe a few edits and touch-ups, and it should drop by the end of the year.

Does this mean that Theadia is once again on the back burner? Yes, at least for now. I feel that I need to have a clearer head and a better idea of what I want to do with it before I move forward with it, and right now I don’t think I’m ready for that. The more I thought about it the other day, the more I felt that I had a choice: force myself through a project I’m getting nowhere with, or pick up a secondary project that a) shouldn’t take long and b) will be mostly enjoyable. And yeah, that was a no-brainer.

This of course means that I might be revisiting Bridgetown and the Mendaihu Universe here on the blog for the first time in ages, so stay tuned!

Jumpstart, restart

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I’m still feeling a bit frustrated with the Theadia project, but the plus side is that I’m finally making an effort to put more work into it after a month or so of being stalled.

One thing that’s been bothering me for a while now is that there are several characters and side plots that are integral yet I’m not giving them enough stage time. This in turn has had a cascading effect in that I can’t quite finish the story because there’s too much of it still missing. This is why I’ve been taking the time to think about how I want to approach this project going forward. I’m still interested in it, and I think it’s worth the work, but clearly it’s going to take a lot more than powering through and filling in the gaps later on.

This is why I initially realized this project was going to be a duology. At least two books, at any rate. I had to stop thinking of it as a standalone and more as a multi-book story, like the Bridgetown Trilogy. Even though it centers on its two main characters, I still need to tell the stories of the other characters they interact with, because theirs is just as important.

This is also why I’ve been thinking about doing a second rewrite. I admit the first rewrite was less of one and more of an extremely detailed reread/major edit hybrid, which did help the story a little bit but in the end didn’t help it enough. [I also admit that part of the reason that happened was my inability to follow through was due to Real Life things going on at the time that needed more attention.] I’m still planning on taking a page from the Belfry Years when I took The Phoenix Effect and rewrote it as the trilogy, only this time I’m going to take it much more seriously.

And ultimately, this is why I’ve been spending the last week or so giving my creative outlets a much needed jumpstart. In order to give enough attention to this, couldn’t just force myself to start over again. I had to return to exercising those creative muscles, getting them back into working order. Thus the return to the 750 Words site, the return to journaling and blogging.

I still have a long way to go, but I’m at least in a much better position to take the right steps to get there.

Adjust as necessary

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I’ve just come up with an idea that could possibly help me with my creative outlets, and it’s not about bringing the whiteboard schedule back. I’ll admit it worked for me quite well in the past, but over the last couple of years it’s lost its appeal and felt more like a deadline than a guideline. And the more I missed those deadlines (whether due to Real Life Stuff or Day Job schedule or something else), the more frustrated I started to feel.

As you can see, I’m trying to get back into my regular blogging schedule. It’s one that’s worked well for ages and doesn’t use up too much of my time, as long as I’m not writing the entries at the last minute. And I’m hesitantly trying to get back into my daily words at 750Words, which I’d also put aside for a couple of months. I’m not exactly daily yet with that, but I’m getting there. I’ve turned the morning notifications back on in the hopes that it’ll help inspire me to return there more often.

Right now I only have two calendars, as I’ve retired the whiteboard. One is my Zen-a-Day that’s on my desk, which essentially serves its intended purpose as something to think about during the day. The other is the monthly calendar that’s hanging just above my PC tower. In the past I used to put my day job hours on it, along with any other events A and I would be going to. Right now it’s pretty empty.

But while working on today’s 750Words, I thought (and wrote): How about this: on Sunday, when I’m doing my PC cleaning and house errands, why not plan out the rest of the week? Make some time for some creative outlets. Instead of a schedule, at the start of each week I can say something like “hey, let’s work on a comic on Thursday since I have that day off”. I have Sundays off for the most part and do in fact use that day as a ‘cleaning and errand day’, so I think that would be a perfect time to block out an hour or two without it being rigid or repetitive. This would give me more flexibility for anything that might arise scheduled or not, and I can work around other things that might be going on. And most importantly, it gives me a positive thing to look forward to.

Whether this will work out will of course depend on how much energy and dedication I put into it. The whole point is to build up those creative muscles again yet still retain the ability to adjust as necessary.

Another day…

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From my Dreamwidth account on the 5th:

I’ve been feeling frustrated lately with my creative endeavors…or more to the point, the lack thereof.

I mean, I should be excited about working on Theadia, now that I’ve got a clearer idea of what I want to do with it. I should be excited about all of it: doing the daily words, the drawing, the music, like I have in the past because it’s something I’ve always enjoyed doing. But somehow, at some point, I just…stopped. I know it was a mix of things: real life/day job stress, mental exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, internet distraction, music library obsession, comic reading obsession, and maybe even just a bit of Getting Older. I’ll allow myself days off when I need to rest, of course (something I often forgot to do during the Belfry Years), but I’ve really let myself go these days, and I hate that feeling.

I seem stuck in the Preparation Phase yet never following through. I’ll think about writing or drawing or whatever but never actually do it. I don’t think this is the same as the Boston Years when I was just starting out. That was a different approach: that was me learning how to focus, but it was also my way of avoiding an emotional spiral given the financial situation I was in.

This is pure distraction, plain and simple.

So the last couple of days I’ve been trying to restart it all. I’m deliberately not trying to do it all at once, because then it all starts feeling like High School Homework Due Tomorrow That I Should Have Completed Three Days Ago. I’m restarting it gradually instead. Making those mixtapes I haven’t made in a couple of years. Posting at the blogs when I have the time and something interesting to talk about. Popping onto 750 Words when I feel like working out a story idea. Journaling when the thought strikes me and the notebook is at hand. Eventually I’ll fire up Word and start working on Theadia again, maybe even playing around with Decline and Fall on the 750. And on my days off I’ll pick up the guitar and play a tune or two just for the hell of it.

I don’t think I need to rigidly plan all of this, but I think I should at least make a more concerted effort to meet my own expectations. If I’m doing one of my morning shifts at the day job, I have more than enough time to work on something in the afternoon. Same with the midshifts: I have at least four or so hours before I need to go in. I need to be better at acting on that urge to create instead of distracting myself.

…and again on the 7th:

I’m making good on my previous entry about just doing what I can do creatively and not worrying about doing all the things. Interestingly a reel popped up in my Facebook feed that made a lot of sense to me in regards to all of this — it’s not so much laziness that’s causing this procrastination but a mental ‘safety’ response. Somewhere along the line my Mental To-Do List started feeling overwhelming, but not because there were a lot of things there; it was that somehow I’d gotten into the habit of ‘things I must do soon’ = ‘must avoid this to retain my sanity’ with a sprinkle of ‘oh hey this fun distraction (music library, webcomics, social media) is a lot less mentally taxing, let’s focus on that instead’.

The fascinating thing is that I understand this, and I’ve ALWAYS understood this, and it rarely ever bothered me in the past…so why now?

I think part of it was the ongoing stress of the day job before I got my transfer, along with some other personal and real life stuff going on that just dogpiled on me over the last couple of years, and I got sloppy about letting it get to me so easily.

That’s not to say everything is magically fixed, of course. More that I have a better understanding of it all now, and I’m more aware of how I can navigate this going forward.

*

It is interesting how this kind of thing can completely derail your life. You’d expect some kind of high-level action like a life-altering event, or a financial struggle, or whatever, to be the culprit, but sometimes it’s just a bunch of small things piling up and a bad day where you just can’t be arsed to keep it together. Next thing you know you just want to enjoy life as sedentarily as possible because that feels better mentally and emotionally.

I’ve recently read about ‘bed rotting’ from somewhere online, just spending the day in bed like you’re an 80’s Morrissey and would rather avoid the world instead of fighting it. It’s not a new thing, even though it’s got a new name. I used to do that in my high school years. It was my own ‘safety’ response, and somewhere along the line I added ‘listening to music’ to that, and that inspired writing songs and poems soon after. And eventually that grew to writing fiction. And I stuck with that for decades, because that’s what worked best for me.

Which is why in 2020 at the start of the pandemic and my unemployed years, I decided I wanted — no, I needed to deconstruct all that. Sometime in the late 10s I’d started feeling as though I was repeating myself. Writing the same lyrics and poems and journals, visiting the same memories, writing the same words, to the point that I felt that I had nothing new to say. So I chose to not write for a while and focus on more personal things that I’d been avoiding.

But here we are in 2026, those formerly avoided things have pretty much been taken care of. It doesn’t so much feel like a clean slate this time as it’s more like raw skin after a long stretch of healing. It feels different and weird and I’m not entirely sure if I can recreate what used to be. Or if I even want to recreate any of it. Some of it, sure — the daily regimen that kept me going all that time, for instance — but I don’t want to return to the same habits and themes and thoughts.

Long story short, that’s where I am right now. It’s not a bad place to be, per se…I’m merely feeling a little impatient at the moment. The only thing left for me is to move forward. I shouldn’t have to mentally plan it all out like I might have in the past, though…sometimes I just have to let the day come and see where it takes me. Eventually a new creative endeavor will appear. Whether it’ll be something I’ve done in the past or something completely new, I’m not going to guess.

*

“Harry, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it, don’t wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the Men’s store. A catnap in your office chair. Or two cups of good, hot black coffee.” — Agent Dale Cooper, Twin Peaks