Finding a writing process

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[NOTE: The below is mostly from my 750Words entry from yesterday, but I felt it worth sharing here.]

We were talking the other day about Your Name — one of my all time favorite movies — and how, when we went to see it in the theater in Japantown awhile back, I was reminded of just how perfect a movie it was. Every part of the story has meaning, is there for a reason, and is woven into a rich tapestry. It’s a perfect example of what I like to call ‘they’ve done their homework’. There are very few movies, books, and music that resonate with me that deeply (The Fragrant Flower Blooms with Dignity is a current one, of course) but as I’d said to A yesterday, I always saw that movie as a benchmark for me to achieve with my own writing. I doubt I’ll ever reach the levels of Makoto Shinkai, but it gives me a firm goal to work towards.

I think that’s close to where I reached with the Bridgetown Trilogy, and especially with The Persistence of Memories. It wasn’t just a perfect storm of positive personal life, great music and a wave of unbridled creativity. Those things of course fueled it, but it wasn’t entirely borne out of it, now that I think about it.

I’d gone into the trilogy with a few things on my mind:
–This would be the end result of a long-simmering project dating back to 1993, so I did not want to do a half-assed job of it.
–I had such a deep well of ideas for this created universe dating back to the same time, and I did not want to waste any of it.
–I was at a day job at a warehouse where I didn’t have to waste much-needed brain power problem solving (the most pressing things I had to think about were building pallets neatly and correctly, where to stage them, and how to get them to fit onto the truck), which meant that I could spend most all of my waking hours focused on my writing.
–I knew that if I stopped and ‘took a few days off’ I’d get lazy and miss even more writing days, which was part of my undiagnosed ADHD issues, so I purposely drove myself to hyperfocus on the writing instead…while also ensuring that I kept it fun for myself. It was a balance between wanting to reach word count and becoming super excited about wanting to keep this story alive.

And to tie in with what I was saying above: this was a story where ‘I did my homework’. The further along I went with it, the deeper and richer it became. And the wild thing is that most of this happened in my head, because I was really not that much of an outliner! Like I’ve said numerous times, the most I ever planned out with the trilogy was maybe three or four scenes ahead, or maybe one or two chapters ahead, and even then it was less an outline than a vague list of beats to hit as I came up with them.

All the while, I was keeping multiple character threads going in my head. Caren and Poe were focusing on two things: balancing their own spiritual awakening while protecting Denni; Anton knew he wasn’t in charge but had to make it look like he was; Natianos believed he was pulling the strings but didn’t expect Denni and Saisshalé to take over; Nehalé was going through a crisis of faith; and so on and so on. This is why the scenes are set up as they are: they focus mostly on the important character in that particular scene, fully and with deep immersion. The other characters might have been in the scene as well, yet I would only focus on their reaction (or non-reaction) in a later scene. Everything and everyone was interwoven into this story, but I had to see the separate threads going.

Looking back on it, it’s kind of amazing that I did that with my first professional novels. I did it to a much lesser extent with the standalones, but that’s because they didn’t need that much intensity. It was a process I came up with on my own, one that worked for me, and one I still use to some degree. In fact, I’ve been contemplating following my own example with another attempt at rewriting Theadia. The only reason I’d stepped away from that process was because the Trilogy had been such an incredibly long project that I needed to try something small and compact — both to give myself a mental break and to see if I could pull it off.

Like I said, I don’t expect to hit Shinkai levels of perfection, but I remain inspired to at least ‘do my homework’ and write the best work I can.

Back to Bridgetown

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It’s been a while since I actively sat down and reread the trilogy, so it feels a bit strange to be back in Bridgetown after focusing on Beam City (the city in Theadia) for so long! I’m not going to complain, however, because I’ve always loved it here. It’s one of my favorite created worlds of mine and I’m always glad to come back and visit every now and again.

I was thinking the other day, though, if this current remaster might inspire my long-dormant desire to write further stories in the Mendaihu Universe. I’m not going to push it or demand it happens, because that never works for me. But I do wonder if it’ll offer some clarity on some of the ideas I’d had for it. For now, I’m just going to focus on cleaning up this second book in the series and see where it takes me.

It does help that I’ve been revisiting some of my favorite albums that had come out then: Oasis’ Heathen Chemistry, Dishwalla’s Opaline, Beck’s Sea Change, Sigur Rós’ ( ), Interpol’s Turn On the Bright Lights… all the music during the Belfry Years that influenced and inspired the trilogy. I’ve even been thinking lately about why those few years were such a high creative point for me. That’ll probably be another future post, I think it was really a case of great timing and positivity on several fronts, both creatively and personally. There’s a reason I often think about that time and everything I did then.

I think I’ve learned over the last couple of years that the trick is not to try to relive them or recapture them, or make them happen again… but to approach the current time in a similar fashion, and let the positive aspects of the present work for me. [Easier said than done in some respects, sure, but if I still have the ability to do so I’m not going to let it pass me by anymore.]

Starting the next remaster (finally)

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To be honest, I should have started this much earlier in the year, but it is what it is. Starting today, I’m embarking on the remastering of The Persistence of Memories, the second book in the Bridgetown Trilogy. If I play my cards right, I shouldn’t have nearly as much of a problem with this one, as I recall having little issues with this one other than maybe a few edits and touch-ups, and it should drop by the end of the year.

Does this mean that Theadia is once again on the back burner? Yes, at least for now. I feel that I need to have a clearer head and a better idea of what I want to do with it before I move forward with it, and right now I don’t think I’m ready for that. The more I thought about it the other day, the more I felt that I had a choice: force myself through a project I’m getting nowhere with, or pick up a secondary project that a) shouldn’t take long and b) will be mostly enjoyable. And yeah, that was a no-brainer.

This of course means that I might be revisiting Bridgetown and the Mendaihu Universe here on the blog for the first time in ages, so stay tuned!

Jumpstart, restart

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I’m still feeling a bit frustrated with the Theadia project, but the plus side is that I’m finally making an effort to put more work into it after a month or so of being stalled.

One thing that’s been bothering me for a while now is that there are several characters and side plots that are integral yet I’m not giving them enough stage time. This in turn has had a cascading effect in that I can’t quite finish the story because there’s too much of it still missing. This is why I’ve been taking the time to think about how I want to approach this project going forward. I’m still interested in it, and I think it’s worth the work, but clearly it’s going to take a lot more than powering through and filling in the gaps later on.

This is why I initially realized this project was going to be a duology. At least two books, at any rate. I had to stop thinking of it as a standalone and more as a multi-book story, like the Bridgetown Trilogy. Even though it centers on its two main characters, I still need to tell the stories of the other characters they interact with, because theirs is just as important.

This is also why I’ve been thinking about doing a second rewrite. I admit the first rewrite was less of one and more of an extremely detailed reread/major edit hybrid, which did help the story a little bit but in the end didn’t help it enough. [I also admit that part of the reason that happened was my inability to follow through was due to Real Life things going on at the time that needed more attention.] I’m still planning on taking a page from the Belfry Years when I took The Phoenix Effect and rewrote it as the trilogy, only this time I’m going to take it much more seriously.

And ultimately, this is why I’ve been spending the last week or so giving my creative outlets a much needed jumpstart. In order to give enough attention to this, couldn’t just force myself to start over again. I had to return to exercising those creative muscles, getting them back into working order. Thus the return to the 750 Words site, the return to journaling and blogging.

I still have a long way to go, but I’m at least in a much better position to take the right steps to get there.

Fly-by: brb, dealing with allergies

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This time I’m not so much stuffed up as my sinuses are congested and waking me up at night. I’m just tired enough to feel like I’m running on an almost empty tank the last few days. I’ve been taking the occasional Benadryl in hopes that it goes away, but this is what happens when you live right down the street from a Big Famous Park full of blooming and pollenating things. Alas, this means my brain isn’t quite braining enough to word correctly without considerable effort, so I’m going to take it easy.

Hopefully this will be over soon!

Adjust as necessary

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I’ve just come up with an idea that could possibly help me with my creative outlets, and it’s not about bringing the whiteboard schedule back. I’ll admit it worked for me quite well in the past, but over the last couple of years it’s lost its appeal and felt more like a deadline than a guideline. And the more I missed those deadlines (whether due to Real Life Stuff or Day Job schedule or something else), the more frustrated I started to feel.

As you can see, I’m trying to get back into my regular blogging schedule. It’s one that’s worked well for ages and doesn’t use up too much of my time, as long as I’m not writing the entries at the last minute. And I’m hesitantly trying to get back into my daily words at 750Words, which I’d also put aside for a couple of months. I’m not exactly daily yet with that, but I’m getting there. I’ve turned the morning notifications back on in the hopes that it’ll help inspire me to return there more often.

Right now I only have two calendars, as I’ve retired the whiteboard. One is my Zen-a-Day that’s on my desk, which essentially serves its intended purpose as something to think about during the day. The other is the monthly calendar that’s hanging just above my PC tower. In the past I used to put my day job hours on it, along with any other events A and I would be going to. Right now it’s pretty empty.

But while working on today’s 750Words, I thought (and wrote): How about this: on Sunday, when I’m doing my PC cleaning and house errands, why not plan out the rest of the week? Make some time for some creative outlets. Instead of a schedule, at the start of each week I can say something like “hey, let’s work on a comic on Thursday since I have that day off”. I have Sundays off for the most part and do in fact use that day as a ‘cleaning and errand day’, so I think that would be a perfect time to block out an hour or two without it being rigid or repetitive. This would give me more flexibility for anything that might arise scheduled or not, and I can work around other things that might be going on. And most importantly, it gives me a positive thing to look forward to.

Whether this will work out will of course depend on how much energy and dedication I put into it. The whole point is to build up those creative muscles again yet still retain the ability to adjust as necessary.

Another day…

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From my Dreamwidth account on the 5th:

I’ve been feeling frustrated lately with my creative endeavors…or more to the point, the lack thereof.

I mean, I should be excited about working on Theadia, now that I’ve got a clearer idea of what I want to do with it. I should be excited about all of it: doing the daily words, the drawing, the music, like I have in the past because it’s something I’ve always enjoyed doing. But somehow, at some point, I just…stopped. I know it was a mix of things: real life/day job stress, mental exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, internet distraction, music library obsession, comic reading obsession, and maybe even just a bit of Getting Older. I’ll allow myself days off when I need to rest, of course (something I often forgot to do during the Belfry Years), but I’ve really let myself go these days, and I hate that feeling.

I seem stuck in the Preparation Phase yet never following through. I’ll think about writing or drawing or whatever but never actually do it. I don’t think this is the same as the Boston Years when I was just starting out. That was a different approach: that was me learning how to focus, but it was also my way of avoiding an emotional spiral given the financial situation I was in.

This is pure distraction, plain and simple.

So the last couple of days I’ve been trying to restart it all. I’m deliberately not trying to do it all at once, because then it all starts feeling like High School Homework Due Tomorrow That I Should Have Completed Three Days Ago. I’m restarting it gradually instead. Making those mixtapes I haven’t made in a couple of years. Posting at the blogs when I have the time and something interesting to talk about. Popping onto 750 Words when I feel like working out a story idea. Journaling when the thought strikes me and the notebook is at hand. Eventually I’ll fire up Word and start working on Theadia again, maybe even playing around with Decline and Fall on the 750. And on my days off I’ll pick up the guitar and play a tune or two just for the hell of it.

I don’t think I need to rigidly plan all of this, but I think I should at least make a more concerted effort to meet my own expectations. If I’m doing one of my morning shifts at the day job, I have more than enough time to work on something in the afternoon. Same with the midshifts: I have at least four or so hours before I need to go in. I need to be better at acting on that urge to create instead of distracting myself.

…and again on the 7th:

I’m making good on my previous entry about just doing what I can do creatively and not worrying about doing all the things. Interestingly a reel popped up in my Facebook feed that made a lot of sense to me in regards to all of this — it’s not so much laziness that’s causing this procrastination but a mental ‘safety’ response. Somewhere along the line my Mental To-Do List started feeling overwhelming, but not because there were a lot of things there; it was that somehow I’d gotten into the habit of ‘things I must do soon’ = ‘must avoid this to retain my sanity’ with a sprinkle of ‘oh hey this fun distraction (music library, webcomics, social media) is a lot less mentally taxing, let’s focus on that instead’.

The fascinating thing is that I understand this, and I’ve ALWAYS understood this, and it rarely ever bothered me in the past…so why now?

I think part of it was the ongoing stress of the day job before I got my transfer, along with some other personal and real life stuff going on that just dogpiled on me over the last couple of years, and I got sloppy about letting it get to me so easily.

That’s not to say everything is magically fixed, of course. More that I have a better understanding of it all now, and I’m more aware of how I can navigate this going forward.

*

It is interesting how this kind of thing can completely derail your life. You’d expect some kind of high-level action like a life-altering event, or a financial struggle, or whatever, to be the culprit, but sometimes it’s just a bunch of small things piling up and a bad day where you just can’t be arsed to keep it together. Next thing you know you just want to enjoy life as sedentarily as possible because that feels better mentally and emotionally.

I’ve recently read about ‘bed rotting’ from somewhere online, just spending the day in bed like you’re an 80’s Morrissey and would rather avoid the world instead of fighting it. It’s not a new thing, even though it’s got a new name. I used to do that in my high school years. It was my own ‘safety’ response, and somewhere along the line I added ‘listening to music’ to that, and that inspired writing songs and poems soon after. And eventually that grew to writing fiction. And I stuck with that for decades, because that’s what worked best for me.

Which is why in 2020 at the start of the pandemic and my unemployed years, I decided I wanted — no, I needed to deconstruct all that. Sometime in the late 10s I’d started feeling as though I was repeating myself. Writing the same lyrics and poems and journals, visiting the same memories, writing the same words, to the point that I felt that I had nothing new to say. So I chose to not write for a while and focus on more personal things that I’d been avoiding.

But here we are in 2026, those formerly avoided things have pretty much been taken care of. It doesn’t so much feel like a clean slate this time as it’s more like raw skin after a long stretch of healing. It feels different and weird and I’m not entirely sure if I can recreate what used to be. Or if I even want to recreate any of it. Some of it, sure — the daily regimen that kept me going all that time, for instance — but I don’t want to return to the same habits and themes and thoughts.

Long story short, that’s where I am right now. It’s not a bad place to be, per se…I’m merely feeling a little impatient at the moment. The only thing left for me is to move forward. I shouldn’t have to mentally plan it all out like I might have in the past, though…sometimes I just have to let the day come and see where it takes me. Eventually a new creative endeavor will appear. Whether it’ll be something I’ve done in the past or something completely new, I’m not going to guess.

*

“Harry, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it, don’t wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the Men’s store. A catnap in your office chair. Or two cups of good, hot black coffee.” — Agent Dale Cooper, Twin Peaks

A year later

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We’ve been here at our new home for a little over a year now, and it still seems like we just moved in. We all settled in quickly, even the cats, making a few adjustments and creative additions along the way, and it’s become a home of our own. My desk still sits against the wall in the office, with the black bookcase squeezed into the corner, full with music, reference books, toys and stuffed animals, art supplies, and yes, even snacks. Up on the wall are a few prints by the always amazing Ukiyo-e Heroes, who I highly recommend. When I’m home, Cali likes to interrupt my work by jumping up onto the desk and sitting right there in front of the main monitor, demanding attention. (Juli tends to be more demure, sitting on the floor next to me and plaintively poking at me with her paw in hopes that I’ll take the felt ribbon toy out of the desk.)

The view out the big window to my left isn’t as grand as Spare Oom’s was, but instead I get a great view of the surrounding neighborhood, and on a clear day I can even see Mount Tamalpais poking up in the distance. I get to hear the whoops and hollers of the little kids during recess at the elementary school across the way. Both cats love looking out those windows and watching the cars and pedestrians, and they really love it when the crows and ravens fly by.

We might not be as close to retail and coffee shops as we used to be, but we’re still within walking distance. We’re also close to the Big Famous Park, which we visit a lot more now than we used to. And I’m still a short work commute away that gets me there and back in about ten minutes. It’s a much quieter neighborhood, but it isn’t remote, and it’s still in my favorite part of the city. We’ve been here in San Francisco for twenty years and change and we have no plans on going anywhere else anytime soon.

I still remember that day in 2002 when my mom told me about a travel show segment about the city, and thinking man, I would love to visit someday. Little did I know that three short years later I’d be flying out of SFO after a few days of apartment hunting, and looking out the window at the city’s skyline and thinking yeah…this is going to be my home.

Owning a home is definitely a new thing for me; I was absolutely certain we’d be forever renting. For the first couple of months I would get this sense of urgency that I really needed to write and mail out that rent check, only to remind myself that it was a mortgage payment now. That sense of permanence is not something a lot of us Gen-Xers got to experience throughout our years to this level, and we’d gotten used to it to the point that it was just another thing to grudgingly accept. It’s made me rethink a lot of personal things in my life, and it’s also made me learn how to fix and adjust things on my own instead of calling the building owner. [One funny side note: I never realized how many quarters I spent on laundry until we owned our own washer/dryer unit — one of only two must-haves on my want list, the other being a garage — and all those coins just started piling up instead of being used.]

In a way, this office has become to me what the Belfry used to be at my parents’ house: it’s where I clock in for an hour or two to work on my creative endeavors. Whether it’s writing, playing a bit of guitar, journaling or even doodling, it’s the one place in our home that’s completely dedicated to that and not much else (other than curating my music collection of course). I can focus here, despite the occasional distractions (cat and otherwise). I can also keep my creative work in here, leaving the other rooms for other things in my life.

I’m still getting used to this place being ours in the ownership sense, but I’m glad we made the decision to make it happen.

The Decline and Fall of Western Massachusetts

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This is a project that’s been floating around since my high school days in the late 80s. It’s gone under different names over the years (Belief in Fate is the one I’ve mentioned the most, dating back to 1988-89) but Decline and Fall was the title I came up with in late 1995 after the dreaded move home from Boston. It’s a title that maintains a certain Gen-X flair: it’s a riff on Penelope Spheeris’ documentary series about rock and roll excesses, The Decline of Western Civilization — itself a riff on Edward Gibbons’ The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire — but it’s also a riff on the frustration and ennui of growing up in a run-down small town that one desperately wants to escape. It’s not that I hated my hometown, I’d just outgrown it yet had to wait my turn to leave. It’s jaded humor because that’s what we Gen-Xers do best.

Mind you, this was never a project like Isaac Fitzgerald’s 2022 memoir Dirtbag, Massachusetts — interestingly a book about my same hometown, though I’ve never read it — as that is not the kind of book I want this to be. It was never going to be about partying and taking drugs and underage drinking because there’s fuck-all else to do. Sure, that definitely existed then as now, but that wasn’t my life. I did my best to avoid that because I’d seen firsthand where that road led and I was just too damned stubborn to give into it. It’s a big reason why I latched on so tightly to college radio and writing at that age; if I needed that escape, music and creativity was where I went. The depression and confusion and frustration ended up on the page, always with a soundtrack.

Decline and Fall might have started out gloomy, but as I got older and wiser — and calmer and happier — I started realizing that this story would benefit not as a dire memoir or a gloomy roman à clef focusing only on all that bad stuff (which it originally did during its Belief in Fate phase), but as a story about finding a way out of all that. Thus it’s about that brief time when I discovered college radio (and myself) and found friends that changed my life considerably. [Come to think of it, this might explain my current obsession with the manga The Fragrant Flower Blooms with Dignity which has a similar plot, in which Rintaro’s life is changed for the better when he finds his own solace of love and friendship.]

I bring this up because I’ve been thinking about finally taking it off the back burner to give it another go. Hell, I’ve even made multiple playlists for it recently! It’s become somewhat of a companion piece to Walk in Silence the book project which focuses on the ‘college radio’ music of the mid to late 80s. It’s a story idea that’s never quite completely left my mind, even despite being trunked a few times. That tells me that this isn’t merely an obsession with a half-baked idea, but an idea that needed a lot of time and distance (and maturity) between now and the time it took place. It’s no longer just a story based on vibes but one that speaks of a deeply personal moment in time.

Now, I’m hoping that it doesn’t stall again, but I’m going to be optimistic.

Theadia: So what happens now?

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Soon after I wrote last Friday’s post on Thursday evening, I thought I’d give the duology idea a try.

As soon as I found a perfect cut-off point a few chapters previous, I cut everything after that, typed out ‘to be continued’, and pasted those into a new Word document and saved as Theadia II. The change was palpable: I no longer felt that sense of constriction, like I needed to bring this story to a conclusion now. Just like I’d expected: it gave me breathing room, and also gave me more space to come up with what comes after answering the defining question of this project: if you could…would you do the right thing? I’d always felt that while I could conceivably wrap up the novel with our heroes winning the day yet still dealing with the fallout that comes after, I was always constantly worried that I wouldn’t give it enough time and space to happen. Like I’d said previously: I wouldn’t be happy with the ending.

So where am I at now? Well, considering that one of the main plot threads was the growing dread of Nima Federation forcibly reannexing the world and station of FairIsle and taking away their hard-earned freedom, I now have the ability to examine that a bit further. Perhaps they reannex, perhaps they don’t, but that threat has lingered in one form or another since FairIsle gained their independence. And now the threat is about to enter local space. This opens up a lot of interesting ideas, and not just one regarding near-space battles. This project has always been about the civilians and not the military, so it suggests all sorts of things: levels of patriotism, grief and loss, fear and uncertainty, compassion and bigotry. And those are extremely important reasons for Theadia (the collective) to exist. It’s what has driven them all this time, and continues to drive them into this second book.

I’m still not sure if turning this into a duology will work, but I will say that I listened to my instincts, and I’m glad I did.