I ran away I walked a fine line Wasting time only to find You were callin’ I think finally To remind me I am fine
Whoof. It’s been HOW LONG since I posted here? At least a couple of months. What the hell have I been doing all this time? A bit of this, a bit of that. Going at my own pace for once. Figuring a lot of personal shit out. Cleaning out the attic and the cupboards and rewiring the circuits, so to speak. I haven’t been nearly as productive as I’d like, but I have to remind myself I’d taken this hiatus precisely to break myself out of that mindset.
And now I’m back. Hell, I’ve even built up my whiteboard schedule again! It was a much-needed vacation, but now I need to get back to work. I’ve only got the barest of plans (which to be honest is kind of par for the course for me anyway), but I have the drive and the goals again. And that’s enough for now. That’s all that’s needed.
I don’t know what I’ll be working on next, other than doing the non-creative parts of Getting a Novel Out Into the World for Diwa & Kaffi, but as soon as I know, you’ll most likely be hearing about it here. In the meantime, I’m returning to the blogosphere with both Welcome to Bridgetown and Walk in Silence — same schedules for both — and I’m really looking forward to it all.
Doing the best I can With or without a plan, I’m taking what I can get I haven’t seen nothing yet If one day you wake up and find what you make up Come and get me, come and take me there
It’s been what, nearly three months since I’ve posted here? I posted a fly-by over at Walk in Silence not that long ago, but other than that I’ve been keeping quiet. Continuing with the job search, keeping occupied with light projects and reading, and running errands. Staying safe.
I could say I’ve been busy planning my next project, or I could say I’ve been doing research, but I’ll be honest, I haven’t been been doing much of anything creative at all. That was kind of by design, however. I desperately needed the break.
It was probably long overdue, come to think of it. I’d been angry and exhausted for months. The successful writing processes and habits I’d set up years ago were no longer working, and the more I tried to push to make them work again, the more frustrated I became. It had ceased to be enjoyable. It was a combination of a lot of things: Day Job frustration, lack of time, lack of new ideas, lack of interest, and too much repetition.
Other than following through with the post-production of Diwa & Kaffi, I decided to stop everything temporarily. The daily words, new novel projects, the blogs, even the daily personal journal. It was time to deal with Real Life stuff: leaving the Day Job of fourteen years, searching for new employment, staying healthy and avoiding COVID-19, and flushing out some old personal demons that were still kicking around. One month off has turned into multiple months, but this decision remains a positive one. Most of the heavy stress and frustration I was feeling earlier this year is almost completely gone.
I’m returning to some of these creative habits and processes again, but I’m purposely not tying them down into daily/weekly habits. I’ve taken the focus away from completion and competition and refocused on the creativity itself, where it’s supposed to be.
So. Am I working on anything right now? As a matter of fact, I am! Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing yet another reread of the Bridgetown Trilogy, for the sole reason that I’m revisiting that world for Book 4 in the Mendaihu Universe! [There may also be a secondary reason, in which Our Intrepid Author decides that maybe the trilogy needs a new re-edit and may work on this as a long-game side project.] I’m also working on an idea to gather the flash fiction I’ve written for the College Campus/D&K universe into a self-published collection. The waystation idea I’d come up with at the beginning of the year is still gestating at this point, so I’ll most likely get to that one if and when I have the time and inclination.
Will I return to blogging? Yes! Although I’m not sure how and when. Before I left the Day Job, I’d found a workable process in which I used 750 Words to write up rough drafts for these blog entries, so I may utilize that or something similar to it when I decide to fully return. I’ve wanted to revamp both blogs for a while now, and I’d like to focus a bit on that first before anything else.
In the meantime, stay safe, stay healthy, and keep reading and writing!
I let myself have the rest of last week off to get used to the idea of being out of work (and to a larger extent, no longer tied to a company I’d been employed by since 2006), though I think it’s going to take a little more time than that for it to truly sink in. It’s been a very weird couple of weeks and the most I could do is just take each moment as it comes, with a calm and stable mind, and my eyes and thoughts already towards the future.
Right now I’m not even sure what my next writing projects will be, considering. I mean, I have a few possible ideas that I’ve been toying with, but this particular situation has given me a much larger playing field to work with. A much larger playing field. Some of these ideas seem a bit…small, in comparison. I’ve been given time to reach further. Go further. Be better. [Mind you, being successful, while up there on the list of things to achieve as a writer, it’s not the only thing on the list, and it’s certainly not on top. Being better, in my eyes, means being able to write stories that I’m proud of. Right now I feel I’m almost there, but not quite. There’s just a bit more to go.]
I don’t really know what I’m going to do next, other than do all I can to change this life and this writing career as much as I’d really like to.
I’m still trying to get used to the fact that my tenure at the Day Job is ending next Tuesday on the 31st of this month. I mean, I figured I’d be bailing sooner or later, but the fact that I’m leaving on a less than peaceful note is not something I’d planned. I’ve only done that once before, way back in 1994. Most every other job I left was out of mutual agreement or due to Life Changes.
But either way, I’ve been handed an opening. One that I’d kind of hoped would come sooner or later, and I’m not about to let it pass me by. I don’t know what my next Day Job will be, whether it be at another bank, or doing AP/AR work for a company, or even something unrelated to finance. My only hard and fast rule, as it’s always been, is that I need to be able to balance it with my writing career.
I know it’ll be tough, considering everything going on in the world at the moment, but I’m not going to let that stop me. It’s reminding me of things that I’d been thinking at the end of 2018, when I was posting about saying goodbye to things. Positive leave-taking of things I should have said goodbye to ages ago. I should have done this years ago, fought past my inclination for comfort and avoidance of conflict and moved forward, but now that it’s here I’m ready for it and I’m not afraid.
…and to be honest, I’m kind of glad it’s nearly over. I’ve had to remain brave and determined the entire time, standing up for principles and common sense while putting myself through an extremely stressful and life-changing situation, all while my city goes from state of emergency to shelter-in-place because of COVID-19, and everyone starts panic buying all the TP.
I’m doing just fine, by the way. Tired and strangely calm, but otherwise I’m fine.
Mayor Breed put out the shelter-in-place announcement on Monday morning, effective at midnight that evening. My company, on the other hand, had demanded that I — working from home full time for the last seven years — had to come into the office as an ‘essential worker’. I argued with upper management about it. I stated my case clearly and calmly. I followed their suggestion of going to HR — who bounced the decision back down to my management. Long and stupid story short, we were at an impasse. I refused to go into the office when there was a possibility I could catch this virus, or worse, be a carrier and give it to someone else in the building. They refused to let me stay at home.
On Tuesday, I gave my two weeks’ notice.
I think I scared them by my actions. By Wednesday they changed their tune and started letting people stay home. I took a hit for the team, but I’m glad that I won that particular fight for them.
I’m looking at it this way: this break from this Day Job was bound to come sooner or later…I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t care much for it either. It was a steady (if small) paycheck, and I got along just fine with my coworkers, that’s all. But I wasn’t exactly happy, especially after they got rid of working remotely. I needed to break free of it. I’m seeing this as a perfect opportunity to focus more on a career that’s more my style and liking. It’s the break I’ve long wanted. It’s also the perfect time for me to make some long overdue changes in my life as well, now that I can do so.
And I’m still writing just as I always have, so there’s that.
Now if we can just get past this virus pandemic and the social fallout caused by it, then we’ll be groovy.
Everything is still groovy here in the northwest corner of San Francisco. A and I have a well-stocked fridge (thanks to multiple weeks’ worth of shopping instead of panic buying), the only thing bothering our health at the moment is allergies from the airborne pollen, and we know well enough to was our hands thoroughly and frequently.
While I’m still concerned about having to continue going into the office at this time (as Sunday evening I have not heard any updates from the Day Job), I’m not overly worried. I sit somewhat away from a lot of other people — purely by chance — so my social distancing has been working out reasonably well so far. If they finally call it and we end up working remotely, I am totes fine with that.
I’m still working on my writing, regardless. I’m doing an edit of the Diwa & Kaffi synopsis that should be done by the end of next week, and I’m hoping to squeeze in some new words or at least new ideas for the possible new story ideas I have milling about in my head. My writing schedule is continuing as normal.
I do, however, remember the occasional winter evenings back in my Belfry days when I felt annoyed and frustrated when I was too sick to be productive. This was the end result of trying to hit a deadline, continue my streak of writing a thousand words every day, having a smoking habit, downing multiple Mountain Dews daily, and working extended hours during fourth quarter at a shipping warehouse. Guaranteed by late December my immune system was shot, my sciatica kicked in, my head was spinning, and my sinuses were pounding. The most I could do is play a game or two of FreeCell and call it done.
I know better now. I try to be creative about my writing time (read: I take it where and when I can get it, including slow moments at work), not give myself deadlines I can’t possibly keep, and I’m a hell of a lot healthier. I’m okay if the only writing I can manage is a paragraph or two in my personal journal. I’m annoyed, but I’m not hung up about it. I write when I can write.
Being healthy is just a tad bit more important, especially right now.
And yes, I time my hand washing via running through the twenty-seven seconds of The Beatles’ “Her Majesty.”
I remember going to see this movie back when it came out in 1991, when it played briefly at Coolidge Corner theater in Brookline, just a short-ish trip on the T from Charlesgate dorm near Kenmore Square. I remember it being a long-ish movie — the US version was apparently two and a half hours — but for some reason I also seem to remember somehow seeing the European cut, which is closer to three hours. It’s visually gorgeous, filmed in eleven different countries.
The director’s cut, however, is closer to five hours, and I sat through it all this past weekend during our flight back from New England. And I enjoyed every single minute.
It’s one of my all-time favorite movies, but I can totally understand why others might question my sanity, as it’s not a movie for everyone’s tastes. From the beginning it has a slow and deliberate pace — not a glacial one, which quite a few European art films tend to suffer from, but a novel one. I say ‘novel’ because that’s what it feels like: reading a novel, playing it out on the screen. It takes place in the final days of 1999 when a nuclear-powered satellite is spinning out of control and threatening to crash somewhere on the planet’s surface. But the story is not about the satellite; that’s just the framework of the more personal stories that unfold. There’s Clare, a young and emotionally lost French woman trying to find meaning and stability in her own life; there’s Sam, an American on the run from the government after stealing top secret hardware; there’s Eugene, Clare’s ex and a writer who still loves her; there’s Henry, Sam’s scientist father who focuses more on his projects than his son. And there are even more secondary and tertiary characters who also have their own storylines. It’s about dreams, love, loss, and hope.
It’s kind of hard to explain everything that goes on with this story, though not because it’s confusing or convoluted; it’s more that what we think is the story is only the surface of a much deeper and more important one that involves every single person on the screen. It goes in quite a few unexpected directions but does so deliberately and always for a reason.
I was first drawn to the movie due to its fantastic soundtrack featuring numerous well-known bands of the early 90s performing songs that, on the request of director Wim Wenders, were to evoke what each band would sound like at the other end of the decade. It features songs by Depeche Mode, U2, Can, Lou Reed, Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, REM, Elvis Costello, and more. The soundtrack alone is worth picking up, even if you’re not interested in the film!
I mention the movie here on my writing blog, not just because I’d sat through the marathon five-hour director’s cut (which, to Wenders’ credit, manages not to drag at all), but because one of the reasons it’s my favorite movies is because it was an extremely important influence on my writing. From this movie I learned pacing; I learned that not every story needs to be going at a tangible constant speed, nor does it even have to hit high and low points at specific times within the story. This is a slow-burner that starts off calm and introduces new plot points at a leisurely pace, until we get to a point where we suddenly realize we’ve been going at a pretty damn good clip for the last hour or so. It’s a perfect example of how pacing can help tell the story by way of playing with our emotions and expectations.
Until the End of the World has just been released as a remastered Criterion dvd, and I highly suggest watching it if you have a full weekend afternoon.
Last week at the Day Job was very long, busy and headache-inducing, so I did not get a chance to update my blogs. On the plus side, I did spend a considerable amount of time in the evening finishing up the first draft of my synopsis for Diwa & Kaffi! Plus, it was a nice relaxing (and relatively clear!) long weekend here so I decided to just enjoy it while I had it. Got caught up with emails, slept late-ish, cleaned the house, and completed other errands. And we also walked quite a few miles in and around the neighborhood to get our exercise in!
Sometimes that’s the best thing to do for extended weekends. I know some writers will immediately think: Brilliant! Now I can spend hours on end working on my WIP! And if that’s your jam, that’s cool too. I used to be that writer back in my single days, staying up far too late working on stuff and goofing off online at my leisure. But now I find that taking the weekend to just enjoy it is a really neat idea as well. We’ll maybe hit the gym one morning (like we did today) and go out for lunch, then spend the rest of the day streaming tv shows or catching up with easy errands. Like catching up on my blogs!
The older I get, the more I appreciate taking weekends off from writing. Not because I Am An Old, but because I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I don’t have to work at top speed all the time. The weekend is here to recharge, so why not do exactly that? It gives me more energy, but it also lets me think about my current WIP at a slower speed. I don’t always have the time for that during the week, so I cherish the slower, calmer moments when and where I can.
When I made my unceremonious return to the office for the Day Job, I gave myself a month. I’ve done this in the past; life throws me a curve ball that I can’t avoid no matter how hard I try. I’ll be angry and frustrated and be stuck in that feedback loop. But I’ll give myself a month to Just Get Over It.
Mind you, it’s not the same as giving up. I’m still angry about the situation and I’m still making alternate plans. But I’m not giving in. I am not making do. In fact, I’m making the best of a frustrating situation. To wit:
–I’d forgotten what it felt like to have a car commute. When was the last time I had to drive to my job? That would be the temp jobs back in 2005. (I had office jobs in 2006-2014 or so, but I could get to those via public transit.) This reminded me of a few things: how to head out early so I had a cushion of time before logging in; how to find alternate routes; how to utilize the drive time creatively. I spent most of December relearning a lot of that.
–I might be getting home anywhere between 5pm and 6pm (and believe you me, I hate the latter), but I can still work on the laptop while hanging out with A in the living room after dinner. And I still have the weekends to do things.
–I found ways to best use my time for creative endeavors, even on company time. I can write longhand (journal and poetry), my daily words (as of this moment, I can access 750 Words on my work laptop and this makes me so blissfully happy right now), and considering that I’m stuck in a cubicle without all the distractions of Spare Oom, I’m actually forced to not goof off.
–I have multiple mp3 players to keep me entertained when need be, and a lunch and two breaks if I feel the need to surf social media.
So what does this all mean? This means that I’ve realized that my situation is nowhere as dire as I was making it out to be. I spent that month getting that frustration and flailing out of my system, and spent the entirety of December thinking okay, how can I make the best out of all this?
This means that I’m going to continue with the writing schedule that worked so well for me over the last few years. Walk in Silence will be posting Tuesdays and Thursdays again, and Welcome to Bridgetown will be posting Mondays and Fridays again. I’ll be doing my daily words Monday through Friday.
Do I have any specific projects I’ll be working on? I’ve a few, but I’m holding them close right now. I’ll reveal them when the time is right. I can say that I’ll be submitting Diwa & Kaffi to publishers in the next few weeks, however, and I’m really looking forward to that particular project. It’s been too long and I think it’s time. I’m ready for it.
OH HAI THERE. I’ve been busy most of November, getting used to the new schedule and Day Job situation. I mean, I’d rather not get used to it, if you know what I mean, but I’ve managed to find workarounds for various things I need and want to do. I chose to take most of November off to recalibrate myself and my situation, see what I can work with, and make it happen.
And make it happen I did! I have managed to set aside time to work on Daily Words! This is going to be pretty much the same as when I was writing In My Blue World and Diwa & Kaffi in tandem — whenever there’s a slow moment during the day, or when I’m on my breaks, I’ll do a lightning round of a few hundred words. As long as I’m working on something, that’s all that matters.
And I’m glad to say that I’ve made some real progress this past week, much to my complete surprise! Right now I’m working on a few Mendaihu Universe ideas — one that’s sort of a fun diversion of a short story, and the other is a Possible Book Four thing. It’s still all in the planning stages, but I’m willing to see where it takes me.
As for the blogs, they’ll probably be a bit erratic over the next few weeks until the end of the year, but I’m hoping I might be able to post at least one entry for each blog a week, time permitting. Like I said, I’m still recalibrating, so it may take a while for me to get back on track.
Thanks for waiting, hope to see you here soon again!