clarity

[This was also posted at my Dreamwidth blog yesterday as something that’s been on my mind lately.]

As I get older I find myself seeking clarity more and more. The problem with doing that when I was younger was that I was still stuck looking at that in terms of extreme opposites: I’m either Totally Locked In or I’m Completely Disconnected. I either have All The Feels or I’m Cynical and Don’t Give a Shit. I knew that wasn’t want I wanted, bur nor did I want to keep pretending that I could find a happy medium where I could be all at the same time. That just became emotionally and mentally exhausting.

Lately I’ve been thinking about it in terms of my own levels of media consumption. I’m not exactly talking about avoiding the online doomscrolling, though that has often been a problem. It’s more along the lines of remembering when I could consume with clarity. That is, like what I like to whatever degree, ignore what doesn’t resonate with me, and for the love of pie it’s not a contest with everyone else in the universe. Social media is fine if you set your own boundaries and catch yourself when you’re slipping into obsession, or the fear of missing out.

That was my issue: I’d set those boundaries and then completely forgot about them because my brain is wired to obsess. [Thus my ridiculously large music library.] I realized this when the pandemic started and made inroads to rewire my head a bit. It took a few years considering it had gotten out of control like weeds in an untended garden, but I got there eventually. There’s always weeding to be done, but it’s much easier to do now.

And now I’m at a point where I can do a bit of fine-tuning. With age and experience — and a rewired brain — I can say, ‘okay, this is where I want my head to be at, so let’s head in that direction.’ Listening to my favorite music from the past is helping, because I’m purposely not doing it only as a way to reminisce. I’m currently listening to the stuff from 2002-2003 while I work on the Remaster Edition of The Persistence of Memories. I’ve been posting the Thirty Years On series at the music blog and talking about 1996 (and continuing into 1997 because why not). And the long-game reason for doing this has to do with rewiring how I listen to current music: to once more listen to new releases that resonate with me, and to have it stay with me for more than just a few months. I know it can be done because there have been current releases that have done that (GIFT’s Illuminator album, for instance). And slowly, I’m starting to reclaim that.

It’s definitely an ongoing process, but it’s one that I’m able to control if I keep at it.

Every now and again I’ll figure out a long-standing block in my current project, and in the process, I’ll be of two minds about it: one, that this unexpectedly clears the path for everything else to run smoothly…and two, that it’ll be a hell of a lot more work than expected. I suppose it’s the variant on the angel and devil on your shoulders bit, really. You feel thrilled that this one problem has finally gone away, but you don’t want to fully trust it just yet.

This has happened twice recently with Theadia, actually. Late last month I’d come to the conclusion that the problem I’d had with a certain character had nothing to do with their actions or what I needed them to do…it was that the character didn’t work. They were just…boring the hell out of me. I hated writing them and initially thought it was because it was a scene I ultimately would not need. That didn’t quite feel right to me, however. The clarity came when I decided that maybe I should have their actions be played by a character I had a bit more interest in but had woefully underused. And LO! It actually worked! These new passages are still a bit weak and in need of revision, but I’m not too worried about that — right now I just want to get the scenes done and written.

The second time was just a week or so ago, when I FINALLY came up with a plausible ending for the novel. This was just like The Balance of Light, in that I knew how I wanted the story to end, but I wasn’t exactly sure how I was going to get there. Thankfully there was no years-long block this time, only a general I’ll get to it when I get to it avoidance. Suffice it to say, I happened to have the day off then, and allowed myself to ruminate over this bit of clarity for a bit to work it out. After about an hour or two, I had a pretty good idea of how I was going to play this out.

As of this moment, I am focusing mostly on the first revelation, as they are the main character of nearly all the ‘WRITE THIS LATER’ scenes I’d skipped over the last year or so. This is actually working for the best, as I’m able to expand on this new character organically, just like I had with the other mains. And once that is taken care of, I can finally finish the novel properly.

And everything will fall into place perfectly.

I hope.

Tag: clarity

Oh, this should work perfectly